Sour Valley Low

And I cannot, or I do not, and oh, my room is cold. And I'm envying you never having to choose. And you my invalid friend, you slammed the receiver when you say "If I had your limbs for a day I would steam away" I'm calling you from the foyer of the Sands Hotel, It's not low-life, it's just people having a good time. And oh, my invalid friend, oh my invalid friend in our different ways we are the same. -Moz 'At Amber'

"I'm graduating high school this month... In that spirit, I popped in my Ghost World dvd for some perspective. I've loved Ghost World for about 4 years now, and I just realized that after all this time watching the movie, I am finally the same age as Enid. (Where did the time go?) Anyway, I asked your brother this same question... When you graduated high school, did you feel at all sad? I said I'm more nostalgic and excited than anything else, and Joseph Grace said that that's how he felt too. Et toi?" -from the comments.

I'm not super sure about how I felt about graduating, but I remember vividly the actual last day of highschool. It was quite a while ago. But it is one of those days that imprints a memory...and it is interesting to try to re-compose those fragments now.

I remember feeling conflicted about leaving highschool, but mostly relieved. My experience in a suburban middle/working class Long Island highschool was defined by an almost constant feeling of otherness and awkwardness, which I suppose a lot of people can relate to. Back then, liking the Smiths or The Cocteau Twins or Sarah Records was like making a conscious choice to be marginalized and put down. I realize now of course, that the "jocks" & "the cheerleaders" (and even my family), weren't evil, and actually played a necessary role in my own mythology, (much like one could see Judas as Jesus' partner in purpose in the recently newsworthy 'gnostic' gospel) the whole creation of a thesis/antithesis for our identities was basically how subculture was formed by teenagers back in the day. However a much younger friend of mine who I would consider a kindred spirit in misfitdom had a totally different experience when she graduated her artier coastal highschool (damn she was even prom queen!) a few years back. Which led me to believe that perhaps, in the post-Columbine universe, that the culture of freaks and geeks had changed a bit, and perhaps that is better for the kids, if not the art they will make.

But I am divurging from the original point of this bit of writing which was to try to remember the feeling of leaving highschool for my kind commentor above...

Yeah so I remember sitting on the pavement in the sun, outside the school with my best friend (I'll call him Stanley) on The Last Day. He possesed a great degree of self confidence and cockiness, and was more than ready for what he saw was to come. College girls with black eyeliner, rock n' roll, white powders, manifestos.

I was a little less sure. And I wanted different things. Or perhaps the same things in different ways. That was the hypocrisy of the sensitive lad. I sat on that pavement, in my cardigan with my grandmother's floral brooch pinned upon it...feeling unnatural and aesthic to an almost crippling degree. But didn't I want my poetry reading teen angel to have torn black stockings? Didn't I want people to respond to my shambling indie pop band as if we were rock stars? Didn't I want to lose myself, to feel ecstatic for the first time, even if I was too scared to do the sort of drugs he would? The one thing we both agreed on were manifestos. Our lives would be manifestos. His written in blood and saliva and god knows what else. And mine written with the Loneliest Sharpie In The World. Have you ever heard that Morrisey b-side "At Amber". It was kind of like that. I refused to live. See "The Black Cassette."

I was sitting on that pavement with Stanely, when our friend, I'll call her Cassandra, rolled up with her decrepit Volkswagon Calabro. I remember feeling much like I imagine Enid did when that bus out of (or into?) Ghost World arrived. This car driven by a gorgeous and troubled violinist was to be our flaming chariot. Right before she pulled up, I remember thinking about the year 2000, and where I would be. Would I be famous? Would I be dead? Would I be married? It strikes me know how when the millenium did arrive, almost a decade later, I was a little of all three...but committed to none of them.

I haven't been back to my high school since that day. I'm not terribly nostagiac about it, since I was hurting so badly for most of those years. I made many special friends (including 3 of the Faves), but I never felt like I mattered or could be heard there. When I get nostalgiac, it tends to be for my college years, spent 30 minutes from home at a seaside state college. That (amazingly) was where I first grasped a sense of possibility...if only for fleeting moments. I was there when John Peel played 'Go Kid Go' and I finally felt like I was more than just a literature major with a mediocre g.p.a. I miss working at the local record store and helping goths find Legendary Pink Dots records. I miss when Andrea and I tried to make a little Garden of Eden out of 10 feet of sod outside the Library. That, more so than highschool...is what I ended up missing. And having said that...I would never go back, or trade the wisdom, and dignity I have now....to be that broken kid again. No amount of lush wilderness can replace what I see from the mountains I have climbed. I'm ok with where I am at. Even if the memory of the wilderness still makes me tremble a bit. May it always do so.

So after Cassandra picked up Stanely & I, she drove us to a record store called "Trax on Wax", (as if that isn't dating myself) where we went up a little spiral staircase to a room full of t-shirts from our favorite bands. Joy Division, The Cure, The Pixies, and more. It was like getting our cap and gown. It seemed like such an exotic place in an exotic town, but in reality it was like 4 towns over! How provincal and innocent we were. I can't help but laugh. We were hopeless.

Recently I saw a friend that had stayed in touch with Cassandra. I had heard from others that she went back to our home town after going to art school upstate, and that she had become a highschool teacher and gotten married. I always had mixed feelings about hearing that. She was like my Warhol superstar back in those early days, and I felt like she belonged in NYC, doing everything I was hesitant to do. But I began to realize that perhaps I had projected alot of mystery onto her. Perhaps she just wanted to be happy. Lately when I thought of her, I felt happy for her.

But my friend told me that her husband had just committed suicide. It really shook me up. It took away my ability to break things up into binary pairs. It made everything seem possible again, and it wasn't in a good way.

Cassandra will always be The Girl Who Drove Me Away From High School. She was the closest thing to my Edie in that first transformative year at College, when Andrea was in Florida, and I was there with nothing but lust and art and fear. Even when Andrea returned, she was more Harper Lee to my Truman, than Edie to my Andy. And in the end, that was 100 times better. But Cassandra always had a strange special place in my heart, just as Stanely does...and always will.

I am sad if she is alone. Neither of our marriages worked out....but only the Lord knows...how different the reasons why. But for grace, did I survive my darkest seperations. I hope she's feeling as strong as I try to. I'm sure she feels as far from that drive away from Highschool as I do now. Tragedies, both big and small and inbetween....can do that. This question about high school made me think of her again. And how arcs intersect. And how memory makes lovers of us all.

--- M ---

A New Career in a New Town

But how could you be drivin down by my home? When ya know, I aint got one and I'm, I'm so all alone. - New York Dolls 'Lonely Planet Boy'

Hey All,

So the slow-down continues here in Blogville, but it's all for the best I believe. This blog gave me an outlet for some thoughts, and a way to stay in touch with the audience, and friends and such...while I made my way through the band-less wilderness. But now with rehearsals going full steam ahead, and all the work of launching this new craft from still waters catching up with me...well I've been neglecting my diary a bit. I should be able to find a better balance now that the semester at work is finished, and I have much more time to devote myself to arts and letters...so to speak.

If this new band is about anything, its about starting over. What's that Bowie instrumental from Low? ...ah yes 'A New Career in a New Town.'

Somehow it feels a bit like that, though actually its more or less the same poor excuse for a career (troubadoring) as always, and I'm still in the same town, on the outskirts of Long Island City, a healthy stone's throw from the 59th street bridge. So perhaps I'm just looking for excuses for gratuitious Bowie references.

Otherwise, since last I posted, I have seen a troika of blockbuster movies. First I woke up with a (likely subconsciously planted) urge to see Mission Impossible III, a desire made all the stranger by the fact that...1) I hadn't seen the first two. 2) I haven't seen a film with Tom Cruise in it since Magnolia and 3) It was sure to suck.

And it really did suck. But in that not altogether horrible way, where you don't realize it sucked until and hour or so later, and whilst watching it, feel more or less engaged.

Then it was The Da Vinci Code. First thing is...I did not read the book, though I watched a good 10 hours of programs on the History Channel, and Public Televison about the book and the theories within. I also have a 101 understanding of 'Gnostic' Christianity, and some of the history of early Christian Rome. And my personal faith is always negotiating between the Christian canon, the often horrific political history of the church, and the intriguing mysticism and humanism of gnostic gospels. And I certainly feel that Mary Magdalene has been defiled by the the church, and the reality of her life (and her role in Jesus') will probably never be known for certain.

So the movie basically made me want to read the book. Which I will on a plane to Italy in July. Oh and Tom Hanks didn't get it done for me. I'm thinking it should have been Vito Morgensson [sic].

Last but not least. X-Men III: The Last Stand. Ok, more true confessions from moi. I read comic books like a fiend as a twelve year old. In fact during previews...both me and the 17 year old bling-ed out latin hip-hopper to my left let out a extremely audible "YES!!!!" when the trailer for Ghost Rider came on. Which led my companion to glance at me with a look of outright confusion and contempt. But I am only mildly ashamed that I still feel that a flaming skull in a leather jacket, riding a motorcycle, mixing equal doses of evil and rightousness...is more or less still the coolest thing on earth. But then again...I like Blue Oyster Cult.

The film was pretty decent, if I turned off my 'comic book guy' from The Simpson's inner voice which kept complaining about the misuse and abuse of the Dark Pheonix Saga. Also crap director (and Hollywood cheese/sleazeball) Bret Ratner added little to the film aside from the perfunctory doughy white boy use of the word 'bitch' to give "Juggernaut" suitable street cred.

Ok I need to quit while I am ahead. I need to see An Inconvienent Truth, or at least Nacho Libre. Will there be a beautiful film this year, like last year's Mysterious Skin or You, Me and Everyone We Know? I'd settle for another 2046 at this point.

I promise the series of long walks, and writing sessions at a little cafe in Williamsburg that I have planned will yeild more cerebral, melancholy postings in the weeks ahead. I feel as though I'm channeling all that energy into the band these days...and also feeling a bit happier than usual...which just to be clear...is a good thing.

How about a little viewer mail....

Your comment that indie kids don't like sports all that much makes me wonder if that's a stereotype, or if there's some general truth to that. Anyone care to chime in?I, for one, consider myself pretty knowledgeable about indie music, and as big a My Favorite fan as they come. But I also have an obsession with fantasy football (having served as commissioner several years--my team was named The Haunted Hearts, which my league mates ridiculed as sounding like "a girl's team" ) and have taken a weekend trip to Lambeau Field to see my beloved Packers play.

Once you see the Chomsky doc "Manufacturing Consent", it makes it hard not to feel guilty for giving to much of your time to the watching of sports. Then I decided that I wasn't going to let corporate America take the joy out of play and games, even if they are big business. Thus as long as one stays vigilant and active in the cause of peace and justice...one should be allowed to like both The Shins and The Skins.

7:49 PM
killaferra said...
Dear Mr. Grace,The Radio station is not working out to well, software issues. This summer I will have more time.I like sports, though I think I favor ones you can gamble on... I don't know if I count as an indie kid though. I don't think I have the "look".Anyway, I am sure you have seen this band, but they reminded me a bit of The Faves so I wanted to share. http://www.fosca.com/With All Due Respect,Killaferra
11:33 PM

We shared a stage once with Fosca at our first Swedish festival, and I met songwriter Dickon Edwards in London last summer before our show there. They are an excellent and deeply underappreciated band, even by My Favorite standards! Oh and don't worry about the indie kid "look". From my experience, the indie kid look is "down."

thestile said...
DISCLAIMER: I am speaking strictly for myself (for I am probably guilty of being "indie" only by association and the use of the adjective "kid" with reference to myself would be an act of charity extending beyond my desserts and the outer bounds of credulity.)Back when I really was a kid, the Cleveland Browns were locked in an epic struggle with "Star Wars" for supremacy in my young heart. The Browns; undeservedly, I hasten to add, eventually prevailed. My slavish devotion to the team began at the age of 8, during the fabled 1980-1981 "Kardiac Kids" season. I first became acquainted with acute emotional pain (tough life, I know) when, in the playoffs, Brian Sipe threw that end zone interception to the Raiders' Lester Hayes, leaving the Browns playoff hopes as cold as the frozen tundra of Cleveland Stadium. All of this, of course, occurs in the larger social and economic context of the late 1970s and early 1980s in the U.S., and especially in Akron, as all of the rubber and tire plants close down and thousands lose their jobs and the city decays. You grow up hearing how good everything used to be, but never actually got to experience it. Maybe that's why I eventually developed such a fondness for the Smiths and Joy Division. Perhaps that is the "indie" linkage.But I'm not sure. . .My interest in sports has waned considerably; to the point of being almost non-existent; and this has occurred in inverse proportion to my love of music that could be described as "indie", so perhaps there are strong points to be made on both sides of the ledger.Others undoubtedly will have a different and more interesting story to tell.
9:01 AM

I am sincerely beginning to think that you should be writing a book about growing up in the midwest in the 80s. You have my steadfast encouragement to do so.

Agent Ramona said...
Dear Michael,I'd give you my password to let you do my baseball draft but I'm afraid you'd pick icky Yankees to play for me. I grew up a Phillies fan and have somewhat switched allegiances to the Mariners (what other team has Hello Kitty toys?). When the Phils played in Seattle last year I have to say it was the most CIVIL sporting event I've ever been to in my life. Everyone in my section was rooting for both teams, it was surreal. As for the worries and the global turmoil, perhaps you should have given up television for Lent. It's been three years since my collegemate Rachel Corrie died, and despite being "home" with my parents when it happened, I never felt so away from "home" with my friends when I saw her death on the television news instead of hearing from a neighbor. There is so much out there and so little we can do, but do it anyway. The electric nipple however, is not the same as a friend.
2:23 AM

I would have picked Derek Jeter, Mariano, Chin Ming Wang, and Robinson Cano. I'm as sick of the rest of those other guys as everyone else. So sorry to hear about your friend. It seems like soon instead of an electric nipple, we will all need an electric blanket.

daraka kenric said...
Michael-You probably don't remember me, but we met a bunch of years ago. My name is Daraka Larimore-Hall, and I used to be in the bands the Young Pioneers (California) and the Adjusters. My girlfriend (at the time) and I came out to Long Island one evening to hang out with you- back in the "Go Kid Go!" era of My Favorite, and I went and see you guys play at Maxwell's with the Softies.Anyway, I was completely surprised and excited to see you guys still at it and doing well. Your music is fantastic, man, and I'd love to reconnect.-www.hoverbike.blogspot.com
12:33 PM

Daraka! I do remember you well! The Young Pioneers CA were an excellent band, and you were an inspiring lad. I will drop you a line soon I promise...

Penningtron said...
Michael,Do people still tell you that their first kisses and such are to My Favorite songs? I thought you might like to know I spent a very tearful goodbye holding someone I love singing along with some My Favorite songs she liked. "Half There and Dancing," was obscenely poignant. I hope the hello inverts the goodbye, if it comes. Perhaps I'll be singing backwards.

Glad I could add a little bacground musique to what sounds like a (beautifully) sad and hard moment. Sometimes I believe there will come a day where time will run backwards, and we will be able to stop for a bit on a branch we abandoned, and make some changes. I sincerely hope so.

Olle said...
Oh, I really prefer "the secret history". It really struck a chord with me when i first heard it.
1:05 PM

The thing with The Secret History is that its reference for me always comes from Greil Marcus' Lipstick Traces and not Donna Tart's book, which I have read...and which I like. But I don't want to talk about that book in every interview, expecially with my young adult detective novel being far superior.

killaferra said...
Dear Mr. Grace,If I was ever in a band I would name it around my most favorite part of LI history; the King Zog of Albania estate. Something like “Knollwood” or “Queen Geraldina”. Or maybe “The Haunted Bookshop”, after my favorite book of all time by Christopher Morley. I think I like Haunted Hearts best.I will order/go out and buy that book; unfortunately I lost my large American Splendor Book. How do you like Ringleader of the Tormentors? Sadly I find it a bit bland.Killaferra
12:03 AM

Ah the ruined castle in the Long Island woods. I've heard of it and seen pictures, I guess its time for a pilgrimage. I like the whole 'italian' vibe on the new Morrissey record, and I do quite like a couple songs...but its hard to compare with some of the older records. He's trying. It's a worthwhile record me thinks. I think gratutious Passolini references are much cooler than Bowie references.

sandy said...
The Secret History wins with me over The Haunted Hearts for two reasons - 1. I like the reference to a My Favorite song in The Secret History... 2. I generally don't like alliteration. But no matter what you name it, I'll listen and love, I'm sure.This weather is fantastic, isn't it?

Any weather with a temperature over 45 degrees that does not include swarms of locust is cool with me. So Sandy stands stoically seperate from many members meeting Michael's marvelous monicker mandate.

11:51 PM
thestile said...
Your putting the word 'potential' in quotes reminds me of Paul Varjak's famous line from "Breakfast at Tiffany's" - "Yeah, I suppose they're dirty, too, but only incidentally. Mainly they're angry, sensitive, intensely felt, and that dirtiest of all dirty words - promising." For whatever it may be worth, I prefer "The Haunted Hearts" over "The Secret History". Although I think that naming a band is one of a musician's least pleasant experiences; the artistic equivalent of getting a colonoscopy. Bad analogy, but it's early and I haven't had an enitre cup of coffee yet.I can't think of a finer name for a ska band than "The Sicilian Lions". Should you start one, I wholeheartedly implore you to use that name.8:49 AM

That is an awesome quote, I completely forgot about that. I need to sample that. If you only knew how much I wanted to start a dub-y bluebeat skinhead band called the Sicilian Lions. Maybe someday after massive commercial success has me seeking out esoteric distractions.

Per J. said...
Hey mr M! I'm rooting for "The Haunted Hearts", but you know that already. It might be a bit on the goth side, but one should not be afraid of appeasing the "First and last and always"-fan that resides somewhere inside each and everyone of us.My Favorite in a Harvey Pekar boook! I need to take a trip to the local comic book-store and check that out. Once while trying to sleep in a somewhat drunken state i fantasized about writing a superhero-comic book where all of the main characters would be based on the members of MF. Maybe I'll take a stab on that one of these days!Take care, and keep on shining!
5:54 PM

I hear The Haunted Hearts as a kind of name that sounds like a Victorian children's book. But I suppose the goth angle is unavoidable. I feel like its one of those names that can be beautiful with a great band, and horrific with a bad one....

Louise said...
I like both names a lot, but I lean a little further to the Haunted Hearts. Hmm, maybe we should swap lives for awhile...hehe. You won't have to sleep upside down, I promise.
11:48 PM

Well, now I have to stay in NYC for awhile, and probably won't be sleeping at all.

Agent Ramona said...
I prefer "The Secret History"... "The Haunted Hearts" just sound like a horrible high school emo-goth band. I was looking for a sign that TSH should be it, and I found it today in the discard box at the library...a 1992 novel by Donna Tartt called, of course, "The Secret History"...introduced by a quote from Plato's Republic... "Come then, and let us pass a leisure hour in storytelling, and our story shall be the education of our heroes." Hmmmmm.... anyway, is the Tartt book worth reading? I'd just finished Mary Doria Russell's "The Sparrow" a few weeks ago, and I think it would be a lovely name for a folk band. Picked up Ego and Hubris a few days ago. Had a converstaion with the proprieter of my local comic book shop about the relative merits of Pekar's storytelling. Now, he thought the band at the end was Malice's favorite band, Aberdeen. So the confusion rages on. Oh well, I owe him ten years of mix tapes anyway.

In keeping with MF's legacy, we are featured in a Pekar novel (including a stanza of lyrics from 17 Berlin) and it is completely encrypted in sentence structure for those not already in the know. I will tell you one thing...the name of the new band won't be 'Our Music' or some other impossible to communicate sentence fragment. Also you will either learn to love The HH or come up with something better. Get crackin!

4:29 PM
konstantine said...
Greetings Michael. Upon reading your recent entry at "my hope and Anchor" I was inspired to come up with a few choices. Your music and lyric are and have been a seat of solace and comfort in past years. I have spoken to you once in person and written a dozen or so times since. Everyone will be flooding you with names and ideas , I am sure. So I humbly submit a few of my own musings on the subject. 1. "Somnambulant Rehearsals" 2. "Apostolic Acrobats" 3. "Desert Playground" 4. " Blue Light District" 5. " Unseen Heroes" 6. " Suburban Twilight". Well that’s it, I hope this helps. If not , I prefer " The Haunted Hearts" . Very appropriate. Hope to hear from you soon, you have become the sublime troubadours of my most sincere feelings. All the best . Konstantine Alexiou
4:34 PM

Thank you very kindly! I like 'Blue Light District', it sounds like a good choice for my porn soundtrack electro mope band, which I will start just after I finish up with the 'Sicilian Lions'. Actually all your suggestions sound like cool short stories I'd like to someday write.

anthony said...
i prefer the haunted hearts...
8:03 PM

Cool.

Nils-M said...
I really like The Secret History for a name, but as long as it's you and the guyses I guess anything is great. Blue Light District was kind of a good one too...and also, a Ska band called the Sicilian Lions would be almost too cool.

Almost my friend. Almost.

5:28 AM
Jackie said...
What about doing some sort of combination of the two names...like A History of Hearts? But regardless, I'll support the band whatever it's name is because it's one of your projects and your music has helped me through some of the worst days...It also helped get me into college but that's another story.

"A History of Hearts" is one of those cool art school band names which my band mates hate, which I always come up with... like "The Children's War Museum", or "The Substitute Cult Heroes Union", or "The People's Opera" or "Grey Glitter." I actually really like Grey Glitter, oh and "Gingham".

lotte said...
Aw, you went to Sea Cliff! Did you find the Russian churches?

No! I need a tour guide...

3:55 PM
Anonymous said...
And you were at the Fricke Estate too!!

Was I? At the museum I suppose. My audience is like a Long Island Historical Society!

12:26 AM
Anonymous said...
I saw "Joseph Grace" yesterday and he told me I had to see "Art School Confidential", even though it was terrible. He wouldn't explain further, so now I'm intrigued and will more than likely go see it. I'm a huge "Ghost World" fan that knows this movie will be a huge disappointment! (Sigh) The trailer looks terrible. - Sandy

What did you think? My brother and I often recommend things as 'terrible but good for you.' It's a family curse, like lycanthropy.

Ciao for now.